“The Areas of My Expertise” Theme Song Lyrics

I transcribed (as best I could) the lyrics to the theme song (mirror) from John Hodgman’s book “The Areas of My Expertise.” Enjoy.

John Hodgman: Jonathan, would you go ahead and play the theme song please? Jonathan Coulton: Now is the time when the world really needs him, wisdom is out of our reach. Out of the wasteland there comes a redeemer, who’s only desire is to teach. No wasted time at some fancy college. Forget that. It’s too much to read. Audio book of complete world knowledge, is all you’ll ever need JH: You have purchased or stolen the full 95 CD audio instructional program entitled, “The Areas of My Expertise.” That is actually the shorthand title for the program. You may be interested in the full title, which is as follows; “An Almanac of Complete World Knowledge Compiled with Instructive Annotation and Arranged in Useful Order by Me, John Hodgman, a Professional Writer, in the Areas of My Expertise, Which Areas Include: Matters Historical, Matters Literary, Matters Cryptozoological, Hobo Matters, Food, Drink, and Cheese (which is a kind of food,) Lobsters, Squirrels, and Eels, Haircuts, Utopia, What Will Happen in the Future, and Most Other Subjects.” JC: Most other subjects include having asthma and tipping in fancy hotels. Terrible haircuts. Dungeons and Dragons. Monsters and magical spells. All of your travels are finally over. You’re safe now, there’s nothing to fear. So tip back a glass of your favorite beverage. You’re lucky to be here. ‘Cuz tonight, Holding a key, That fits in a lock, Opens the door, Shows you a room, That’s holding a heart, It’s pumping the blood, That’s feeding your brain With information. Sweet information! Sweet information! JH: That was very nice Jonathan. JC: Thank you John. JH: The guitar sounds extra loud for some reason. Is it a new guitar? JC: No, it’s the same old guitar. Maybe it’s because you’re hearing it through a microphone. JH: Hmm… that could be. Maybe you’re playing it with extra large hands today. JC: I do have my extra large hands on. JH: I thought so…

I will not be transcribing the list of 700 hobo names that Mr. Hodgman reads at the end of the program. Somehow, I’m not surprised at all that he actually read all 700.