Zylophone

I was ever so sorry to hear of the death of Mitch Hedberg. He was a brilliant comedian and he will be missed. To honor him, I’ve included my favorite jokes from his performances.

• “They call corn on the cob corn on the cob. But that’s how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn. They should call every other version corn off the cob. It’s not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm Mitch, but then reattach it and call me Mitch all together.”
• “I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. “Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide…”“
• “Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. Damn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Damn it Otto, you have Lupus… one of those two doesn’t sound right.” (edited)
• “I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.“
• “Foosball ruined my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin ’round and round. I can’t do a back flip, much less several…simultaneously with two other guys.” (edited)
• “I saw a six pack of soda-pop for $1.20. That price screws with your head, man. Because then I thought that I would start selling soda-pop. Suddenly I got things of pop with me. “What’s going on, Mitch.” “Not much, looking to buy some pop? Fifty cents a can. It’s not refrigerated because this is a half assed commitment.”” (edited)